i only played chess once in my life and i lost

: faithlesswonder; November 16th, 2009

Generated on Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:31:17 -0800.

Your Existing Situation

"Working to build a strong foundation based on security, comfort, and low drama; in return he hopes to gain respect and recognition from his peers."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. His need to feel dominate and superior leaves him feeling isolated and does not allow for him to give freely of himself. He would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness he must not give in to. Holding back will allow him to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended."

"Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. He is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome his lack of energy and may become irritable if he does not recover."

"Believes his hopes and dreams are realistic and sticks to them stubbornly, even though circumstances are forcing him to compromise. Very precise in the qualities he seeks in a partner."

"Willing to become emotionally involved because he feels isolated and alone. He tries to avoid conflict and disagreements, but his arrogance leads him to quickly take offense."

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

i swear to god, i think someone at colorquiz.com is hiding in my closet

: faithlesswonder; September 14th, 2009

Your Existing Situation

"Persistent and demanding, feels he is deserves his current position and fights to keep it that way."
Your Stress Sources

"Unhappy in his current situation or relationship, but is unwilling to change things due to his need for acceptance and belonging. Refuses to be seen as weak and although he is resistant to give too much to the relationship, he stays committed in order to feel the attachment. The situation depresses and irritates him, causing restlessness and impatience. He is seeking some sort of escape from the situation either physically or mentally, which affects his ability to concentrate."
Your Restrained Characteristics

"Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended."

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. He is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome his lack of energy and may become irritable if he does not recover.

"Willing to become emotionally involved because he feels isolated and alone. He tries to avoid conflict and disagreements, but his arrogance leads him to quickly take offense."

Your Desired Objective

"Makes spontaneous, irrational, and sudden decisions in order to escape his current problems and difficulties."
Your Actual Problem

"Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. He feels misunderstood, used, and anxious. He strives to search for new relationships or environment, in the hope they may offer him happiness and peace of mind."

out here at the end of the world

: faithlesswonder; June 3rd, 2009

Current Music:: Grizzly Bear - Alligator (Choir Version) | Powered by Last.fm

i think i've contemplated this many times over the last 7 or 8 months. to just try to sort things out. spit it out. articulate something.

i'm laying now, on this broken loaner futon, in a basement in portland, oregon. what's left of my stuff is all around me. 80% of it has been in boxes, just as i packed it up 6 months ago when the crazy, yet compact world that i had in LA up and gave out. there's new stuff, the stuff i stupidly rescued from Chicago...well, not stupidly...maybe brazenly rescued. that stuff is pretty much in as it was when i got it back from Shannon's, just tucked away in the corners, a new surface for dust to settle on. the trip back to Chicago wasn't smart because it was born out of necessity, not ability. i had to get the stuff from Shannon's because the situation had come to a proverbial head, and needed to be resolved. i don't honestly know if having the stuff has made things better. it's more shit to lug around (barring the 8 boxes that went back to nyc, the myriad of shit that i just threw out, and things like my oversized photo print and other miscellanea that couldn't return). i can't just pack my life in a car and go anymore. there's too much for one load.

plus, i'm tired of doing that.

i'm living in the basement of some folks that i've grown to know, which is good. but it's not a place that i can really live. i have to move out as soon as i can, because, well...we agreed on 3 months and it's become 6. it's gotten easier as we've become better friends, but i still have to go. i don't have the means to yet. or anyone to move in with. or any friends of my own really.

it's confusing at best.

i'm good at faking things. good at being social when the need is present, but ultimately i feel like i'm floating. alone and above. inches from just drifting away.

i think now that the roots of my incomplete accidentally exiled spaceman story is rooted in that feeling. the imposed and self imposed isolation. the false tragedy & the meaningless quest. i guess even though it seemed like a random collage of ideas in my head (still does) it's rooted in my experience.

i ask myself often, 'why create?'

never really has the answer been further away than now, i think. why write songs? why create art? why craft films? i try to look at the reasons behind the art that i enjoy and it seems sometimes hollow. sometimes simple. often incomplete.

the things that i desire to create seem heavy handed, melodramatic and often, worthless. a lot of my sadness comes out the same way over the years, as something that's lofty and pretentious, but it's what wants to come out of me. i don't take well to expressing joy and a lot of times feeling joy just reminds me of death and then things settle quietly down the the gray center i often find myself in.

one of the things that i've desired most is just a community of people to exist and create amongst. that's always been a struggle to find, and it just gets harder as the years roll on. it's incredibly difficult to even make close friends and the ones i have are just elsewhere.

my life is spent in front of a computer. either handling editorial work or just killing mindless hours because i can't bring myself to interact with real people. i comb my twitter feed, which is 97% people i don't know, of that 3%, less than 1% is actually folks that i interact with regularly. i scrutinize the lives of people i don't associate with and it honestly makes my personality fell less continuous. i stopped coming to LJ ages ago because the majority of folks that i followed stopped posting, or it had been five years since i had actually spoke with some of them, so it's like keeping up with the lives of ghosts. there's human drama to track, but it makes me feel like all my friends are imaginary. i keep up with the lives of people i've met once or twice, i'm facebook with friends with 200 people that i haven't exchanged real words with in 10+ years.

my actual life consists of little. biding my time for an idea. passing minutes till i get fed up enough and make something out of nothing.

it'll change someday, i think.

-

these always come to an unsatisfying end, ideas fractured and no clear path followed.

in a cave...

: faithlesswonder; December 25th, 2008

I threw darts at a spinning globe
Swapping out passport photos
I walk west to the setting sun
Every single step, I grow
Another second young

tokyo police club - in a cave

i've been listening to this a lot lately. just this song, on repeat.

seems appropriate.

if i'm sinking in laughting at something sunken in, i am.

: faithlesswonder; December 11th, 2008

i've spent the last few days really angry, now i'm just sad.

tearing apart things.

i stood in the shower till my fingers were prunes, thinking quietly under the water. it got me nowhere.

i'm through finding this sutiation cute.

: faithlesswonder; December 10th, 2008

i just want this all to be over.

how i feel:

how i'd like to feel: more the energy of the song, as i feel there's a subtext to the lyrics...i just like the drive and the fun. i kinda want to go back in time and get hammered at Eli's and walk across Harrison Park in the dead of winter to get back to my cold and cramped apartment that's at least mine, full of my stuff. just lost and away in some kind of cracked joy.

anyway...

amusingly...

: faithlesswonder; December 5th, 2008

Current Music:: Beirut - Guyamas Sonora | Powered by Last.fm

...i made the claim a while back that the comic bubble would burst with the release of Punisher: War Zone.

I was laid off 4 days prior to the film's opening day.

See?

in a skewed absolution

: faithlesswonder; December 4th, 2008

awake at 4.30am, call at 6, we wrapped at 8pm-ish.

i hurt and there was a ton of downtime, but i do love physical work.

amusingly made contacts for more freelance work, but this is a period of downtime in a shrinking economy...so, i don't know.

i like finite tasks, things that have beginnings and endings. i can find joy in just sweeping a floor.

i don't know what that says about me.